Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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