Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
