I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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