captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize