i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
