dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
