I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize