Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
