don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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