he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
