I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
