Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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