someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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