yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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