you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
