i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I wear drunk well.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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