Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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