So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
