dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am mentally ready for anal.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
