Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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