Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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