i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
