***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
