i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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