If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
