on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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