Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
