I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
