My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
even my farts smell like vagina
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
