We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
