how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
