Michael Bay diarrhea
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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