direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
