I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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