hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there was a trapeze. enough said
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
