She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
