It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
