Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
