i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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