If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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