we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
