While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
