I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
