Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize