The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
