oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Sober January is a disaster.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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