One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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