Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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