I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
