Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
should my penis look like a turkey
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
