last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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