Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
