literally had 100 drinks last night.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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