he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
