wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
