dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
