All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
