did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
