Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
