very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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