those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You are a genius and a whore.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
