her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
