i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
