Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
