your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
