My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
